When To Call/Text Before 7:30AM

Update: By the time I finished writing this, I was so amused and full of love I wasn't annoyed anymore. Text if you need me.

Reasons It Is Acceptable To Text Or Call Me Before 7:30 AM

1. Someone we know has died. CAVEAT: Famous people, while interesting, do not count. Distant acquaintances do not count.

2. Someone we know has just given birth. CAVEAT: Famous people, while interesting, do not count. Distant acquaintances do not count.

3. It is a work day, and somebody needs a ride somewhere. CAVEAT: The ride should be required within the next two hours. Otherwise, the text/phone call can wait.

4. Someone in your household has become entangled in a sun roof and needs immediate assistance. No caveat. Please call, don't text.

5. Someone in your household has tumbled whilst running and thrust their arm through a plate glass window. No caveat. Please call, don't text.

6. You, your family, or any part of your home is on fire. Honestly, if your kitchen towel catches fire via carelessness by the stove and everything ends up fine, please text anyway. It is entertaining.

7. Someone in our family is stranded and needs help. CAVEAT: Only if I am actually able to help.

8. Someone in our family has been rushed to the hospital unexpectedly. 

9. Your house has been burgled and you are traumatized. CLARIFICATION: Don't call me for help. Call the police. I will, however, be glad to provide moral support by phone or in person.

10. Our brother has done something quirky and humorous. No caveat.

11. You are experiencing an emotional crisis and cannot cope for another second. 

12. You are reading an amazing book.

13. You need to tell me I was fantastically right about something. BONUS: Everyone else thought I was wrong and you're going to set them all straight. Definitely text.

14. You or someone in your house is sick and needs help. CLARIFICATION: If you need my help or advice, I don't care if the situation is minor or major. I will help you.

15. You want to talk about my novel.

16. You think I'm pretty and/or would like to wish me a nice day.

17. Advice about a crisis I am currently experiencing or you suspect is coming. 

18. Someone in one of our favorite books has done something amusing. CAVEAT: Quotes are appreciated.

19. Important information about my children. Compliments are acceptable.

General Caveat: If it is something that requires immediate assistance that I can provide, call/text. This does include pet emergencies. If it can wait for two hours, wait.

Reasons It Is NOT Acceptable To Call/Text Before 7:30 AM

1. Current Events. CLARIFICATION: Yes, this includes election results.

2.  Television/movie news.

3. Interesting scuttlebutt. CLARIFICATION: Even if we know them.

4. Local enterprises/entrepreneurship. Even with regard to our family's favorite sausage vendor.

5. Food/Shopping/Restaurant Concerns.

6. You are on a group text sent by Jane and are also awake. If you respond, this will also come through to Mary Pat. One-word responses/emojis are the most offensive.

7. You are replying to a text I sent you the day before (at an appropriate time).

8. Anything communicated by just an emoji.

9. Anything insulting aimed directly at me. (This is a terrible way to wake someone. Just mean.)

10. School has been canceled. I receive updates directly from our administrators and have usually known about this for several minutes.

11. You will be attending an exciting concert that is several months away.

12. You have booked a vacation to which I am not invited.

13. With regard to a purchase, you are torn between two things.

14. One of your home appliances is on the fritz.

IMPORTANT: I do enjoy these texts/calls at some point during the day. Just not when it interrupts sleep. 

ALSO IMPORTANT: If you have texted me for any of the above reasons, we are probably close and I definitely love you. Again, I just need sleep.